A LAPSE

Who said I am Lost? Nah...I am just trying to search my heart that departed few minutes back leaving my mind alone. Surrounded by the crowded, materialistic brightness of the Metropolis I quietly stand in silence. It is a battle I am fighting without any arms and ammunition's. A battle against my lost heart. My state is even worst than a beggar who at least knows his direction of life. Unlike me. I feel drained. The mind is trying hard, telling me to keep patience.
Can I?
..............These obsolete, weird thoughts are making there way up to my mind...I feel disconnected from this world, which I have been foolishly calling my own. Floating through the clouds of perplexity, I make stringent efforts to throw words on the blog, anticipating it would give me some kind of satisfaction. As I sit and type with my weak, shivering fingers, all kind of incidents, conversations, experiences struggle to intrude in my empty mind. There is a colossal affect on my process of thinking which is barely seems to be breathing.
Suddenly, someone knocks at the door, for good this someone is able to break the web of the silence I am gripped in. I thank god that this new thought crossed the boundaries of my estranged home of thoughts. Still no satisfaction guaranteed. As few minutes more pass by, I diagnose my illness is severe. However, I am doubtful if there some medication that can cure it. Who cares? I do not feel like being cured. No wonder I am a sadist at heart.

The more I try to escape, the more these waves of restlessness flow in my mind. The sudden rush of confusing thoughts makes me pensive. The insecurities of life assure me a security of disappointments. I feel glad. I am aware destiny is playing tricks with me. But I am still glad.
I am alone. I sit ideal. Writing is the only activity I resume to. The demise of my contentment is even not disclosed to me. I feel unheard. Whom should I call upon except my god? Who resides in my heart, and my heart is lost. The words of wisdom no more enchant me. I become diabolic. Cracks and fissures in the wall of my life can be clearly seen. I am undergoing a huge loss is all I can perceive. I doubt fanatically if I can ever reconcile. I cease to abide by the morals, philosophies I had once framed for myself. There is but only restlessness. I do not wish to get rid of it, as it is only something I can be with. This strange pain is making turning me dead, as dead as a stone. Now, I can see a horrifying silhouette overshadowing me, its scary, and breaking me into pieces...
.................Am trying to figure out who AM I? ...........The dullness in the air finds me dumbfounded. I am stifled so much so, that I drop the very idea of searching for my lost heart. I have no grudges against my life; I have a grudge against myself.
The depression always accompanies me. Have I committed any sin? I silently scream. Why me? I am a waste; time is going on so am I. No motive, no aim, I just move in an unknown direction wherever my destiny is dragging me. As I traverse down the hill, I do not wish to look back, but I do. The elation, achievements are high Uphill, I feel segregated from the joy. "Even I deserved this"; is all I can talk to myself. Nevertheless, I am still glad; at least I am a failure only by destiny.

.......Still lost...maybe in retrospection...making efforts to call myself back...